Fire breathing smelly gorilla dragons

by Charissa Pereira

Can I get away with two-day leg hair growth, or will he notice? Will he cringe if he touches my leg and gives it a sweet squeeze? Will he think I’m a wooly mammoth? Or a gorilla? Will he feel like he’s on an episode of national geographic? 

Will he no longer think I’m cute? 

Shoot I don’t have time to run home and shave my underarms before we go out tonight…

If I just don’t reach for anything above my head, I should be ok. Right? I’ll just spray some extra perfume on me and reapply deodorant after work… ok so I have to remember to not grab the high subway pole. Just stick to the vertical ones or surf it out. It’s fine, I’ll be fine.

But what if we kiss? I usually lift my arms around his shoulders, should I grab his waist? Is that masculine? Is that too prom? Oh dear.

Oh no. I had falafel for lunch. And forgot I’m seeing him tonight. My breath is killing me, I can’t begin to fathom what it’s going to do to him. If I tell him to eat falafel for lunch too, will it cancel mine out? If we’re both radiating the same fragrant spices he’ll never know if it’s him or I -right? That’s like math or science…or something? Shit I need gum…no I need an ALTOID…no, I need the LISTERINE SHEETS. Yeah, yeah those.

And I love sitting next to him on the couch watching movies, but did he HAVE to suggest this after we had nachos and cheesy curly fries for dinner? What could help my stomach and digestive track calm down right now? Think Charissa. Bread? WHAT will absorb what’s currently creating an immense amount of gas in my abdomen? Omg did he hear that gurgle? 

Ugh he gave me a side glance; did he smell something? When’s the appropriate amount of time after you start seeing someone where you have permission to be a whole human (with all your bodily functions allowed to be active) and not suppressed? 

Are we at the point where I can truly burp? Like without holding back? Or will he be revolted, and I’ll have to stifle my inner Smaug for the rest of my life? 

I need to go to the bathroom. Let me just gingerly get up and float across the room- he’s so engrossed in the movie he won’t notice if I’m in there longer than it takes to pee? I’m going to run the faucet to cover any unwanted, non- pee-ing noises. I wonder if he’s going to think I’m washing my hands for a super long time. Or that I’m bathing in his sink. Either one is better than the truth. I wonder if he has an air freshener, if not ill bring my small perfume in there and spritz when I’m done. Yep. It’ll be fine. Everything’s going to be fine. 

If he decides that I’m not the one for him because I’m occasionally a fire breathing, smelly gorilla dragon who just so happens to be head over heels in love with him… then to be quite honest? I don’t want him anyway.